JINGLE BELL COCK: Let's get rid of Christmas altogether.

JINGLE BELL COCK: Let's get rid of Christmas altogether.
By Louis Fowler

Christmas is no longer a “real” holiday.

Oh sure, the calendar says it is, but, if you take a look around, it's become no more important than Groundhog Day or Columbus Day, except there's presents. And really, that's the only thing that differentiates it; it's just an excuse to get some free stuff. It's all about me, me, me--and by me, me, me, I mean you, you, you.

I stayed away from the internet over the holidays, and, when I came back to it, made the mistake of reading all the back-posts on my various networking sites and the like. It was like reading the immature thoughts of nine-year-olds. Twenty-somethings bragging about what toys they got? Really? Toys?

Even worse, people were bitching about stuff they a) had to return because it wasn't what they wanted or, b) pissed because they didn't get that one thing they really wanted. It's enough to turn you into a communist.

Not to get all “preachy” on you, because, really I'm the last one to fall into this party line, but no matter how much you want to forget it, the whole idea of Christmas--heretofore to be called Xmas--is based on Christian ideals. And, let's be honest, most of my generation has uniformly rejected Christ. Why bother celebrating? It's like me celebrating Arbor Day, when all I like to do is set forest fires and masturbate to the flames. It doesn't make sense.

Oh yeah, I forgot... presents. That's all that matters.

I just got through watching a news report about this guy in Denver who is going to jail because he got busted stealing and selling copper pipes to get money for presents. People turning to crime to give their kids presents; whatever happened to just being honest with your kids and saying, “Hey guys, look: we're broke. Your Xmas presents are groceries.” That's what my parents told me and my siblings every year of my life and sure, it may have hardened us, but it also prepared us. Going to such lengths, criminal or not, to get your kids some useless plastic trinkets, is doing nothing but turning your kids into spoiled little assholes.

You'd do better to just give your kids a hug and a nice meal. They'll remember that more in the long run. Well, they would if you had the balls kill Xmas. But, if you feel the need to celebrate, and I can't really fault you for it, because it was the way you were raised, I want to lay down some ground rules for gift-giving:

1.) No male over eighteen should ever “ask” for anything. If someone gets you something, great. But don't “ask” for anything. Xmas is for kids, not greedy snot-nosed eighteen year old pricks.

2.) No male age thirty or over should ever--EVER--receive a present, unless it's something handmade by a child, in which case you pretend to like it. If you are a man of thirty and are not able to purchase what you want by yourself, you're not only a failure, but chances are you don't need it anyway. Take care of your own wants without the help from others.

3.) The more masculine life-partner (I'm including gay couples here) should give the more feminine partner a present, preferably a piece of jewelry, or a gift certificate to a store they enjoy. Of course, this should really only be done on their birthday though.

4.) The most important rule: children should only be given ONE gift. ONE. Kids are crying on Christmas morning, after opening scads of presents. Why bother? If they are going to hate you anyway, just get them some socks and be done with it. Look: in our society, kids get what they want all year 'round. Why should they get more on one day and then bitch about it? If this is your child, by the way, you have failed as a parent.

Sure, call me a Scrooge--I'll agree. Scrooge had the right idea about people, only to be swayed by the spectral propaganda of some holier-than-thou ghosts. I should really rewrite that book, with the ending that is should have had: Scrooge, after being swayed by the spirits, decides to give into the Xmas spirit, only to have everyone walk all over him and beg him for shit because he was the richest man they knew. When he tells them they should work for their possessions instead of accepting his “welfare”, if you will, they all leave him anyway, which they would have done after they got what they wanted from him.

Yes, he dies all alone, but, in the ultimate fuck you to Tiny Tim, he leaves all his money to his eighteen cats. God bless us, everyone.

DAMAGED Cooking: CHILI CON MUCHO CARNE!!!

I have "friends" that like to make chili. "That's cool", I say, eager to swap ideas with them about the cooking, etc. But, then, they drop the bomb: it's VEGETARIAN chili.

Really. Vegetarian chili. Must we, as a society, make everything that is good and holy LAME AS FUCK?



Look: chili is supposed to have meat in it. Lots of meat. If you call it chili and all it's got are some vegetables and beans--and you're a man--you might as well slap on some Birkenstocks, a hemp necklace and have fun at the Jack Johnson concert, because you are a goddamned hippie. You will not be saved in the Rapture.

But, in penance for my friends, I decided to make my first ever pot o' chili. The only vegetables? Garlic, onions, bell peppers, jalapenos and green chilies. Top that, honky. And, just rub chili powder in their eyes, I made it with FIVE POUNDS of ground beef. Do you know how much meat that is per square inch of chili? Well, I don't either, but you can bet it's a whole helluva lot.



Listen men: reclaim your testicles. Add five pounds of meat to not only your chilis, but your stews, casseroles and soups. Especially vegetable soup--that asshole soup has had it coming for a while now!

We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass: 01.06.09

Welcome to We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass, my daily snapshot at what makes America the greatest fuckin' country on the planet. Up yours, other countries!

The DAMAGED Hearing Playlist for 01.06.09

* denotes selections from this week's featured artist/album: THE BRADY BUNCH KIDS
** denotes listener request

William Shatner w/Ben Folds and Joe Jackson-"Common People"
The Brady Bunch Kids-"Keep On" *
The Aquabats-"Look at Me (I'm a Winner!!)"
Andrew WK-"Party Hard"
Quiet Riot-"The Main Attraction"
Rob Zombie-"Never Gonna Stop (The Red, Red Kroovy)"
The Trashmen-"Surfin' Bird" **
Pee-Wee Herman-"Surfin' Bird"
Joe Esposito-"You're the Best Around"
The Brady Bunch Kids-"Time to Change" *
Velvet Underground-"Sweet Jane"
Pablo Cruise-"Love Will Find a Way"
The Kinks-"Come Dancing"
Sonseed-"Jesus is a Friend of Mine"
Edwyn Collins-"A Girl Like You"
The Brady Bunch Kids-"It's a Sunshine Day" *
The Free Design-"I Found Love"
Neil Diamond-"Play Me"
Brat Mashup-"Easy Heaven (The Commodores vs. the Cure)"
Hedwig and the Angry Inch-"Wig in a Box" **
George Michael and Queen-"Somebody to Love"
Brady Harris-"I Want You to Want Me/Surrender/Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?"
Butch Walker-"My Best Friend's Magic Girlfriend"
The Brady Bunch Kids-"We'll Always Be Friends" *
The Mavericks feat. Flaco Jimenez-"All You Ever Do is Bring Me Down"
The Tex-Mex Experience-"Open Up Your Heart"
Texas Tornados-"A Little Bit is Better Than Nada"
Chingon-"Cuka Rocka (Extended)"
The Brady Bunch Kids-"We Can Make the World a Better Place"

DAMAGED Hearing: The Top 20 Records of 2008!!!

20. Umlaut - I UMLAUT EINS (Buy here.) German heavy metal by way of Fort Collins. It may be a joke, but it’s a damn funny one. I highly recommend their live show. Listen to: “Danse”

19. Malibu - ROBO-SAPIENS (Buy here.) The latest side-project from Roger Manning, a fun, bouncy 80’s-synth throwback. It’s extremely fun and will incite much dancing. If people still danced, that is. Listen to: “The Bounce”

18. Journey – REVELATION (Buy here.) Laugh if you want, but this is old-school Journey, filled with soaring vocals (courtesy of new frontman Arnel Pineda) and that “believe in yourself” songwriting that bands just don’t do anymore. Listen to: “Never Walk Away”

17. Neil Diamond - VELVET GLOVES & SPIT (re-issue) (Buy here.) A sterling in-between album that finds Diamond leaving the Brill Building and searching for success on his own. Even though it contains the classic “Shilo” and “Brooklyn Roads”, it’s probably most famous for “The Pot Smoker’s Song”. Listen to: “Shilo”

16. Original Soundtrack - PINEAPPLE EXPRESS (Buy here.) Yeah, this has got lots of previously released material by Eddy Grant, Bel Biv Devoe and Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, but I got this for the title cut, a brand new song by Huey Lewis and the News. It’s a really fucking good song. Listen to: “Pineapple Express”

15. Vee Device - LOVE WILL TEAR US TO SHREDS, ACT II: THE GENRE OF SILENCE (Buy here.) The casual listener would be apt to call the output of Fort Collins’ Vee Device, well, pretentious, but unlike similar acts, such as the abhorrent Decembrists, Vee Device as so much catchiness to their music that it becomes the sort of pop music you’d heard during the Russian Revolution. Which is what I think they’re going for. Hopefully. Listen to: “Bastille Day”

14. Duffy – ROCKFERRY (Buy here.) It’s so great to have a British neo-soul singer who is not a total crack-whore. No, Welsh chanteuse Duffy likes to take good care of herself and, if that weren’t enough, she knows how to craft a classic sound that is sexy and poppy, but, you know, won’t cut you for a fix. Listen to: “Warwick Avenue”

13. The Proclaimers- LIFE WITH YOU (Buy here.) Am I the only Proclaimers fan in the United States? I have bought every album since SUNSHINE ON LEITH, and each one is better than the last, more raucous than the last, and, more bitingly sweet than the last. This British import (once again, fuck you American record companies) is their best record to date. Listen to: “Life with You”

12. Weezer - THE RED ALBUM (Buy here.) Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. They practically invented emo so I should hate them, but you know, I just can’t. Weezer is just so fucking likable. Their music is so fucking likable. I’ve listened to “Pork and Beans” probably more than any other song this year. It feels like ’95 all over again. Listen to: “Pork and Beans”

11. Brady Harris - COVER CHARGE (Buy here.) I am a total sucker for cover albums. Hearing a new artist (well, an artist that’s new to you at least) doing an unique cover of a popular song, to hear how they take that tune on, is always an inviting proposition and here, Harris does hauntingly jaunty version of “Like a Prayer”, “Smile Like You Mean It” and a stellar mash-up of “I Want You to Want Me” and “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me”. Oh, and let’s not forget that take on “Ace of Spaces”. Listen to: “I Want You to Want Me / Do You Really Want to Hurt Me”

10. Ringo Starr - LIVERPOOL 8 (Buy here.) What does it say about me that Ringo’s output is my fave solo Beatle’s body of work? I can’t help it—the guy’s work is so freaking enjoyable, and sing-songy, and happy, and, well, lovably sad-sack. This album (back on Capitol) didn’t sell for shit, but I bought it on release day, excited to get it home and in the headphones, and it really delivered. It’s a mature sound, but fans of later releases like TIME TAKES TIME will be in Heaven. Listen to: “Liverpool 8”

9. Christophe - THE LIFE OF AN OUTLAW: 1-17-08 DEMOS (Buy here.) Straight outta Lawton, Oklahoma, is the brutally exciting first outlaw country record from OKC horrorpunk legend Christophe. Sure, his punk stuff was good, but his country stuff is GREAT. This self-released disc, stripped bare, with a quivering voice and a resonate acoustic guitar, is full of that small-town spite’n’quiet anger that singers like Merle Haggard and Hank Williams Jr. had, but with a sleek little evil edge to it. Listen to: “The Life of an Outlaw”

8. Flight of the Conchords - FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS (Buy here.) Jesus—that song “Business Time” was written for me. Too close to home. But also too fucking funny. Listen to: “Business Time”

7. The Osmonds - CRAZY HORSES / THE PLAN (Buy here.) I really have no problem losing credibility with you. The Osmonds should be held in way higher regard than they do. Way higher. Need proof? Look at this two-fer import. CRAZY HORSES is one of the greatest metal—yes METAL—albums of all time, filled with Mormon rebellion at it’s finest and then, as penance, comes THE PLAN, a whacked-out rock opera based around THE BOOK OF MORMON that make’s the Beatles’ SGT. PEPPER look like Peter Frampton and the Bee Gees’ SGT. PEPPER. Listen to: “Crazy Horses”, “Let Me In”

6. Ben Folds - WAY TO NORMAL (Buy here.) Ben Folds follows a formula, sure, but it’s a reliable formula that never fails to deliver. Profane comedy easily mixes with piano-driven melancholia, with liberal doses of maudlin bitterness strewn throughout. If you like Ben Fold, you’ll like this. Listen to: “You Don’t Know Me”

5. Jeff Finlin - BALLAD OF A PLAIN MAN (Buy here.) It would be too simplistic to call Jeff Finlin country, Americana, folk, rock, whatever. I mean, how do you categorize Bob Dylan? He’s a genre unto himself. And that’s what Jeff Finlin is. A powerfully snide—but never bitter—voice telling tales about the darker side of the everyman. His music is a personal thing that desires a personal connection to be fully understood. Listen to: “Jesus Was a Motorcycle Man”

4. Glen Campbell - MEET GLEN CAMPBELL (Buy here.) It’s an all covers album, so you got me sold already, but add Campbell’s sweetly plaintive voice to songs like “Sing” and “These Days” and you’ve got a thoroughly melancholy masterpiece, with the songs taking on a whole more meaning in his mortality-filled delivery. Listen to: “Grow Old with Me”

3. Josh Fix - FREE AT LAST (Buy here.) Every year, I search for the next big Queen/Billy Joel operatic/piano man sound. Past winners have been Mark Mallman, Mika and, now, out of nowhere, the attitude-laden Josh Fix. Catchy doesn’t even begin to describe his songwriting. Biting and, at times, mean, his lyrics are definitely prime-era Joel, but with a glorious almost-wall of sound production. Listen to: “Don’t Call Me in the Morning”

2. AC/DC - BLACK ICE (Buy here.) Quite simply, if you don’t like AC/DC, you’re a lame fuck. These guys are what rock is all about and, in a time when most piss-poor modern rocks is all about whining about how daddy didn’t understand you, these stalwarts return to kick you in the ass and tell you to grow the hell up. All these songs are about rocking, getting pussy and blowing shit up. The way rock is supposed to be. Listen to” “War Machine”

1. Neil Diamond - HOME BEFORE DARK (Buy here.) Don’t call it a comeback, he’s been here for years. Enough with the jokes, hipsters. Neil Diamond is not some kitsch artifact—he’s the real deal, and probably the greatest living American songwriter. Produced by career-boosting Rick Rubin, HOME BEFORE DARK improves upon the 12 SONGS formula, by having Neil return to his storytelling roots, writing stark songs that are surprisingly uplifting and strangely dour at the same time. If you ever had any doubt to the legitimacy of Neil, pop in this album and then quietly go fuck yourself. You should have never doubted Neil to begin with. Listen to: “Act Like a Man”

HEY GUYS!!! IT'S THE FIRST DAMAGED CONTEST OF 2009!!!: So, I've got a copy of Vee Device's LOVE WILL TEAR US TO SHREDS, ACT II and a copy of Jeff Finlin's BALLAD OF A PLAIN MAN right here. Want to win both of them? Send me your top record of 2008 to ORCHO5000@HOTMAIL.COM with the subject "Best of 2008". I'll draw a winner at random Friday, January 9th.

We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass: 01.04.09

Welcome to We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass, my daily snapshot at what makes America the greatest fuckin' country on the planet. Up yours, other countries!

BILL LANDIS, a Real Trash Cinema Hero.

I never met Bill Landis. I never emailed him, like I had planned to. No one cataloged or preserved the memory of the old days of trashy and sleazy New York quite the way he did. By the time I got there, it had long been Disney-fied, but that didn't stop me from trekking to See Hear to pay $10 a copy for his zine SLEAZOID EXPRESS and the same for his wife Michelle's METASEX. I ended up spending around $60. And it was worth it, as I still reread those zines to this day.

This was made one step better in 2002 with the legit publication of the seminal historical tome SLEAZOID EXPRESS: A MIND-TWISTING TOUR THROUGH THE GRINDHOUSE CINEMA OF TIMES SQUARE. Not a compendium of reviews, but more of a memoir of the times and places, which, sadly, will never be around again. To this day I dream of getting threatened at knife-point by a tranny during a Sonny Chiba screening. If you don't have this book, buy it now.

I learned, through Twitter of all places, that Bill died of a heart attack at the age of 49. I'll never get to send that email, but he should be regarded as a real patron saint for all fans of cult, trash and exploitation film. A statue right in Time Square seems fitting, right guys?

For further reading, check out this exhaustive interview by Dan Taylor that originally appeared in CARBON 14.

The trailer for CRANK 2: HIGH VOLTAGE gives me a semi.

The first CRANK, starring this generation's greatest action star, Jason Statham, was the most entertaining film of 2006. It was also the most socially irresponsible and, well, most comically misogynistic film of 2006 as well, but can well all agree that just added to it's charm? Yes?

I've been following the progress of CRANK 2: HIGH VOLTAGE with much interest, and, after view this ultra-NSFW red band trailer--thank for the head's up, Dan--I can say without any hesitation that this is the first real film of 2009 that I am creaming my jeans over. Take a look:



CRANK 2: HIGH VOLTAGE opens April 17th. My erection comes about ten minutes after that. By the way, if you haven't seen CRANK, please, do yourself a favor and buy it from Amazon for only $9.99.

Should old acquaintances be forgot?

Alright folks... I want to thank everyone who supported DAMAGED 2.0 over the past year--I got that SiteMeter button sometime in the early summer, I think, and since installing it, I've had over 22,000 visitors. Holy shit, that's a lot of loafing on the company time! So thanks to all of you for stopping by reading, laughing and trying to get free shit from me.

So, now that I am getting over my yearly Xmas bitterness, I'm gonna take a couple of days off and return bright and early in the New Year--this weekend sound good?--with new features, more essays, more reviews, more Boots in Asses and multiple slams against that douchebag Ben Lyons. And more podcasts, God-willing.

Until then, thanks fuckers. (Oh, and why not leave some comments on the past few weeks writings. It really builds up my fragile ego.)

Why no one invites Batman to their holiday parties...

I love Batman as a super-hero. He's stoic, intelligent and unwavering in his pursuit of justice for the downtrodden. But, seriously, would you want to invite him to your Christmas party? Seriously?

I can see why the Justice League "lost" his invitation.

At every party, there's always that one person that's got to be the downer, usually hiding out in the bathroom, crying and saying cryptic things like "They'd all be happy without me...". If it's a chick, usually she leaves the party crying about something her boyfriend did, like, look at another girl, and, if it's a depressive guy, he'll probably chug a carton of box wine and punch your landlord in the face. Just look what he does to poor Robin here, after a simple question...



And he's not even drunk. That's the way to ruin Christmas!

That's what Batman would be like at a party. That's why no one invites him. Everyone wants to have a good time, laugh and maybe do some karaoke. Some people want to hook up, some people want to pass out drunk on Barry Allen's toilet and some people want to sing "Paradise By the Dashboard Light" without having to get into an awkward discussion about Nietzsche's role in popular music.

No, Batman would just ruin everything. So don't feel bad for the Caped Crusader this holiday season--he's brought it upon himself. He's just trying to get attention and if you give in, he'll just keep doing it. Just let the Bat-bitch cry and wallow in his depression...maybe it'll be the kick in the ass he needs to get his shit together and quit being such an irritating sad sack.